Introduction
Sex and intimacy in midlife is one of the least-talked-about subjects in men’s health, and one of the most consequential. Desire shifts. Bodies change. Relationships drift. And most men have never been given the language, let alone the permission, to talk about any of it openly. Clinical and somatic sexologist Tanya Koens has spent nearly two decades in the room with people navigating exactly this territory. In this conversation, she brings warmth, science, and straight-talking insight to a subject that most men quietly wonder about but rarely discuss.
Why this conversation matters
Most men arrive at midlife with a reasonably clear picture of their physical health, their finances, maybe even their mental health. But their sexual and intimate wellbeing? That’s often a blank page, shaped by outdated ideas, misinformation, or the simple absence of any real conversation.
Tanya Koens changes that. As one of Australia’s most respected and publicly visible sex therapists, she has appeared regularly on Triple J’s The Hook Up, spent five years as the resident sexologist on FBI Radio’s Let’s Talk About Sex, and written for ABC Life. She’s also a clinical supervisor and trainer for other therapists across the country. What she brings to this conversation is not shock value or judgment, but clarity and compassion about something most of us quietly need.
What we discuss in this episode
- Why Tanya calls herself a “pleasure activist” and what that actually means for everyday wellbeing
- The most common presenting issue she sees in couples: desire discrepancy, and why it’s almost never as simple as one person wanting more sex than the other
- How libido fluctuates over a lifetime, and what stress, anxiety, hormones, and relationship conflict do to it
- What midlife men need to know about how their bodies change sexually, and why that’s not bad news
- The empty-nest stage as a genuine opportunity to reinvest in intimacy and explore what you actually want
- Re-entering the dating world after a long relationship, and why the rules around consent have shifted significantly
- Pornography: what it gets wrong, what it normalises, and how to think about it more clearly
- Why Tanya coined the phrase “erotic snowflakes” and what it means for how we understand desire
- The role of curiosity, kindness and generosity in keeping a relationship alive
- How to start the hard conversations, and why pushing through 45 seconds of discomfort is almost always worth it
Why midlife men should listen
If you’ve ever wondered why the intimacy in your relationship has gone quiet, or felt confused about what’s happening in your own body, or found yourself back in the dating world after years out of it, this conversation speaks directly to you. Tanya doesn’t moralize. She doesn’t lecture. She gives you a clear, grounded picture of how sex and desire actually work at this stage of life, and she does it in a way that makes the whole subject feel less loaded and more human.
One thing she comes back to repeatedly: communication. Not performance, not technique, not frequency. Just the willingness to be curious about your partner and honest about yourself. That, she says, is where the magic is.
Guest info
Tanya Koens
Tanya Koens is the director of Pleasure Love Relating, a sex therapy and counselling practice based in Sydney. With almost 20 years of clinical experience as a trauma-informed Clinical and Somatic Sexologist and Counsellor, she works with individuals, couples, and more, across a wide range of presentations including desire discrepancy, erectile dysfunction, sexual anxiety, sexual trauma, and relationship conflict.
She is a Clinical Member of the Psychotherapy and Counselling Federation of Australia (PACFA) and holds graduate diplomas in health sciences (sexual health) from the University of Sydney and in counselling from the Australian College of Applied Psychology, as well as a Masters of Business from the University of Technology Sydney.
Tanya is a well-known media commentator, having appeared on Studio 10, Triple J’s The Hook Up, ABC Radio National, ABC Life Matters, and Radio 2UE. For five years she was the resident sexologist on FBI Radio’s fortnightly Let’s Talk About Sex segment. She also provides professional development and clinical supervision to sex therapists and counsellors nationally. She currently splits her time between Sydney and Byron Bay.
